State of Flux
by sliding etc
Summary: Rated for dark themes, language, and maybe lemony stuff in later chapters. After Tala's attempted suicide, Bryan decides that its time for intervention. Will a month with Kai and the Bladebreakers really do the trick? yaoi.
1. Bryan Knows Best

Whoo! First fic. Get excited x3

My computer is being a goof so I'm not sure how messy the format will look... My apologies if its a train wreck.

**Disclaimer**: Seriously. I don't own a thing.

So I hope you like this modest first chapter, I put in some good effort. :) Though, after a awhile you just gest sick of reading and editing your own work... I might be in the market for a Beta if anyone out there would be willing to help me out...

Anyway, I'll leave you alone so you can read...AND REVIEW! Pwease? puppy dog eyes

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**CH. One**

"Tala...Tala please, I just need you to calm down..."

Pale, lilac eyes watched as the narrow chest heaved, as frantic cerulean eyes fluttered into focus...That was a good sign. Better yet, the slender fingers wrapped around the knife's handle relaxed.

The pale Russian nodded, the tension in his own chest softening , easing. He spoke softly now, knowing that they weren't out of the woods yet. Kind words were spoken in Russian, Bryan hoping that the familiar sound could bridge the memory-induced panic that held his friend.

His dearest friend.

A step forwards- barely a step really. His stance had simply changed, his shoulders showing only the vaguest inclination towards forward motion.

But that was enough. The delicate, desperately needed space had been breached.

Tala let out a horrible cry, and the knife was drawn against his pale throat, his beautiful, usually sanguine features drawn tightly, tears washing down his cheeks.

"Don't you touch me! Don't you fucking touch me!"

"Tala...Please..."

"I j-just want to...t-to sleep...I just want t-to go to sleep-p!" the redhead was in hysterics, his silky, mussed hair adrift about his wild, flushed face, and the glistening blade produced a droplet of garnet blood. It hung against his deathly pale skin, and the contrast was startling...Even beautiful.

In a desperate, pathetic sort of way.

And Bryan couldn't help but think that Tala was _that_ sort of beautiful. Like something proud broken- like an aristocrat after the revolution.

"Tala god damn it, don't be selfish. Don't do this." and even in the face of tremendous loss, Bryan was Bryan.

The hand holding the knife flailed, the rouged lips twisted and blue eyes grew once again bleary as a new onslaught of tears shook him.

So delicate...And wavering now, Tala shouted, shouted to be heard against the rush of of sound in his own head, but more importantly- shouted to be understood. Shouted to understand. His voice raised to a shrill peak, as if he was ready to empty is heart out onto the table.

"I never thought I would have to feel him again, to smell him, to hear him... But he's here, every night, I swear to god he is! He's still hurting me B-Bryan... I just want-t to s-sleep... Oh fuck Bryan, I want to close my eyes and feel safe!"

Bryan was shaking too now, because the blade was poised against the paper-thin skin of a narrow wrist. And he swallowed, hard. Because he remembered how it felt to see his captain trapped beneath the weight of an older man- more specifically Boris Balcov.

The stench of sweat and sex,a rough hand tangling in the red hair... The falcon closed his eyes to suppress the memory.

His stomach curled with the realization that Tala couldn't do that. His rape was an imprint upon his very being, and he couldn't just close his eyes and make it disappear.

Tala needed help.

Serious help.

"H-he fucked me like a w-whore Bryan! Like I was his... I'm s-still his!"

"Tala-"

And then the blade dragged along the wrist, skin snagged and tore and opened, and droplets of vermillion dotted the floor.

The beautiful blue eyes were wide, skin draining of color, lips forming a perfect "o" - as if it had been an accident.

Bryan rushed towards him, and the little body crumpled in his arms.

A pale hand wrung at Bryan's shirt, fingers looping in fabric, clenching itfor all he was worth.

Bryan eased them both to the floor, well aware that his shirt was already hopelessly stretched.

He had to remember that really, Tala was still just a child.

"B-Bryan...I-I'm sorry... Don't be too mad... Am I going to die now? "

"You're not dying. Don't be stupid." and despite his words, his voice was a soft croon.

"...Oh."

Indeed, upon closer inspection, the cut was too shallow to cause any real harm. That's not to say that if left unattended it couldn't result in some blood loss, though here in Bryan's arms, there was no chance of that.

It had scared him though- the whole scenario. It had scared Bryan badly.

Strong arms cradled the red head to his chest, a terry cloth towel snatched from the counter mopping against the leaking wrist, Tala's head propped against Bryan's shoulder.

He looked like something fragile and precious... And hopeless.

And even now, he was such a pretty thing...

A clatter of feet against tiling, a gasp--- Ian. The big-nosed blader was still groggy with sleep as he had only just now hobbled down to see what all the commotion was...

"Ian, call an ambulance." Bryan's once panicky countenance had eased, and now, regaining his steely composure, everything was clear.

Things had to be done, and he would be there to see them through.

Bryan's own, hard gaze met Ian's wide eyes, full of horror, and now filling with tears.

"T-Tala...?"

"Ian, GO!"

And Ian obeyed with instinctual efficiency, a grubby hand smudging traces of despair from his still sleepy eyes.

And Bryan turned his attention to more important things. He glanced down at the red head... The lips were frosted a tender shade of bluing pink, and Bryan squeezed him lightly, more to comfort himself than to comfort Tala. There was something about the lithe boy's warm weight that secured him...Made him feel safe.

The pale lips curved into a smile, and eyes, shivering with tears, turned their gaze upwards to focus on the stern face of his strong companion.

Bryan had always been so strong, how odd it was to see tears in his eyes... Not that he was really crying, his pale eyes were only slightly glossy...

But for Bryan, that was something.

The smile grew and a delicate hand smoothed against a pale cheek "Don't c-cry Bry."

"Tala, just shut-up... Idiot, look what you've done... 'Made an awful mess..." Bryan murmured, applying more pressure against the wound, watching as the flow of crimson stemmed beneath his fingers.

Tala had intended to slice veins, to wreak havoc and drain himself out onto the kitchen floor- he had meant for the knife to linger and deepen, but the initial shock of cold, splintering pain had surprised him, frightened him. And once in Bryan's arms the knife was a hopeless cause.

The large blue eyes watched in morbid fascination as red leaked from his body, lips parting as he shifted weakly in Bryan's arms to get a better look.

"Does this make me crazy Bryan..." he whispered, paling dreadfully.

"No."

Came the immediate answer. The falcon hated to see that focused look on his friend's face. It meant that he was thinking too much, and everything became more complicated the more you thought about it.

Though Bryan was doing some thinking himself. As soon as things neatened up Bryan was going to find Tala some help.

Some serious help.

Though a psychiatrist and just about everything else was out of the question.

It wasn't as if Bryan hadn't tried to get the redhead into therapy before...

Shit. Was this really as hopeless as it sounded?

"I hate being l-lied to..." the redhead murmured,his lips quivering... And Bryan braced himself for the water-works.

Fresh sobs wracked Tala's body, and the pale lips parted in agony, and one name resounded through the kitchen. It had been a source of sorrow, somewhere tucked away in Tala's head, and now, with his attempted suicide, a certain blue-haired blader's absence was keenly felt.

And Tala yelled his name till he felt empty, and his voice cracked.

"K-kai! Oh, Kai... Why isn't he here Bryan, I'm so cold, why isn't he here?"

Bryan tensed at the mention of Kai... Kai who had left them. Returned, and left again.

Kai wasn't here because he felt torn, and consequently, he felt guilty... Kai's pride couldn't stomach guilt, and thus, he had cut all ties.

And unintentionally, he had left Tala more vulnerable than before...

And fuck, this was probably his fault.

Even worse, he was probably the only one who could fix this.

The lips pressed tightly together.

To ask for the bluenette's help would be to hand over his own pride on a silver platter... It would be to say "Here, we couldn't help Tala, and even though we care for him more than you ever will, why don't you give it a go?"

Bryan felt himself tense at the thought.

But they had been unable to heal the troubled redhead. Maybe Kai could.

Kai, as much as he hated to admit it, might just be Tala's last hope.

Bryan held the shaking Tala tighter as a heartrending sob wracked his body , shushing him while he mentally prepared himself for the phone call he would make as soon as the red head was hospitalized and stable.

Yes, he had already decided.

Bryan was never one to linger. If he didn't keep moving right along, he'd probably have shot himself a long time ago.

And now he could hear the ambulance, and Ian scrambling for words as men tromped through their neat little apartment...Men with stretchers and degrees that said they were professionals, qualifications that said that they could help people without killing them. Qualifications that said Tala would be safe with them.

But that didn't mean that he was going to trust Tala with them.

Trusting had never been easy.

Though he allowed the paramedics to gather Tala into their arms and nurse him into a reclining position on the stretcher, one holding his leaky wrist to a bit of gauze.

And calling Tyson's dojo had never been easy. More specifically, _calling Kai had never been easy. _

And this would be no exception.

**TBC**

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So, really, what did you think? Honest answers please! And if you have any tips, any suggestions, I'll be happy to listen.

Thanks for reading!


	2. Telephones and Cigarettes

Wow, thanks to everyone who reviewed! I really appreciate it. I wrote you guys a nice long chapter, I hope its up to par!

**Lyson:** Thanks so much for reviewing, I hope I can meet your expectations :

**Ihaveananimeaddiction**: Don't worry, he'll be fine. I do intend to torture him a bit in this fic though x3

**pinball62**: Thanks! I'll do my best to update regularly.

**GabZ:** Haha, don't worry, I'm a personal fan of Tala-torture too. Details on the way!

**blazingfire03**: Thank you! -blush- I'm glad you liked it so much! Well, I'm not sure what pairing I'll use... This will probably turn out to be some weird love

square thing between Kai, Bryan, Rei/Tyson (I haven't decided yet),

and of course, our favorite redhead. Who Tala will end up with in the

end might come down to what my reviewers have to say :3

**tala-fangirl:** Thanks for reviewing, I promise to keep the chapters coming

**Dark Fantasy01**: Thanks so much for reviewing! Again, I'll do my best to update often.

Once again, thank you to everyone who

reviewed!

**Disclaimer**: Nope, not mine. I don't own Beyblade. Wish I did though x)

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"I need to speak to Kai."

"Yeah sure...Wait, wha-? Bryan?!"

The thin lips curved into a slow smirk, and the smooth voice pushed past them once more...And... Was that a chuckle?

"Its nice to know I've made an impression. But seriously Tyson, I need to speak with Kai."

The Russian reclined back into the chair, hearing the cheap plastic groan beneath his weight. He hated hospitals, waiting rooms especially. Something in him was powerfully

repulsed by the stark, pained, sterile smell of the place... But for Tala, he could manage.

The redhead had pulled through just fine, as expected. Bryan knew he would want to see him soon- he could almost feel his friend's anxiety. But for the moment, Tala had Ian, who was no doubt lecturing him, and apologizing, and crying...

The midget was a general train wreck in these situations.

And as much as Bryan would've liked to join him- this was more important.

He was, with this phone call, securing the redhead's future.

He frowned at the drawn out silence, and it was an expression that carried out into his voice "Tyson.I'm still here."

"Err, Kai...He can't come to the phone right noww..."

"Kinomiya, if you hang up, I swear to god, I'll make you regret it." the line was delivered coolly, with the grace and poise of a man who had shed blood. And

even though he was a thousand miles away, the threat had the desired

effect.

The voice on the other end went silent- though it was a different kind of silence, and Bryan knew he had gotten his way.

Muffled voices on the other end, an annoyed grunt----

"Kai speaking. Who is this?"

The lilac haired blader's face hardened, a tightness settling about the corner's of his mouth.

"Hello?"

Bryan wasn't going to pretend.

The familiar, deep voice had struck a cord in him, a memory... A vague pang of bitteress anger, and maybe even wistfulness, resounded in his chest, and it was a moment more before he spoke.

"Kai... It's been awhile."

Again, silence on the other end.

A different type of silence- and this time, Bryan didn't know what to make of it

"Bry..."

The falcon bristled thoroughly, and a taught feeling of tickling rage drove lines to settle upon the once impassive brow. How dare he call him by that name? That name which Tala had given him so light-heartedly, so lovingly... That name by which only his closest friend's called him.

Kai should've known better.

Stiff,and more than a little unsure, the bluenette continued: "What do you want?" What should've been a demand was soft-spoken, wispy... Kai sounded tired. Really tired.

It became clear to the lilac haired blader that Kai wanted nothing to do with them. Not because he no longer cared- but because now Bryan, Tala, and Ian- the people who

had once been his family, were now synonymous with pain, and the trauma he had experienced. They reminded him of the abbey- that heartless place, that robbed him of more than just his childhood.

But Bryan made no allowance for this.

And instead of feeling sympathy, he found himself growing angrier.

He was possessed for a moment by the driving want to inflict pain. He wanted to let Kai know what he had done. He wanted Kai to know that it had been in his absence that Tala had been raped- not once, not twice, but for almost seven years. Bryan wanted to tell him how Tala had survived the abbey for him- how he had wanted to make it, if only to see him again.

But where was he now? Kai was in Japan, with his new team, with his new friends... And Tala was in the hospital. With doctors who didn't really care, looking small against

the white clinic sheets... With bandaged wrists, and sad blue eyes.

Disgust choked at Bryan's throat and set his eyes blazing. It was for Kai that Tala had pulled through- not for him. The mere thought of Kai had become a comfort to the

red head, even when the bluenette couldn't be bothered to call... But he, Bryan, was there holding his hand every day, mopping away the drenching tears from that beautiful face... Whispering sweet comforts...

It was for him, Bryan, that these affections should've been directed towards- not Kai.

And that's what really stung.

"D'you know...We almost lost Tala last night Kai."

"What...What do you mean?"

"He tried to kill himself Kai."

And choking silence. He could feel the shock, the regret, the guilt.

And it made Bryan smile.

"Why would... Why would he do that?" Kai's voice faltered, though was devoid of emotion.

"Do you really have to ask? I think you know Kai."

"You're saying that this was my fault?"

And that son of a bitch had the nerve to sound angry.

Bryan's face hardened.

"I haven't seen you guys in months, how could this have been my fault?" Kai hissed.

"That's just it Kai. You haven't been around. You haven't even had the decency to call, to check in. You've been selfish Kai... D'you know what they did to him back there?"

There was stiff quiet and Bryan took the moment to compose himself. There was a tightness, a choking in his throat.. Were his eyes wet? Halting fingers reached up to rub

away the gathering tears.

What a mess.

"You wouldn't have called to tell me this if you didn't want something Bryan. What do you want?" and this time, the question was hard, because Kai was hurting.

"I've already bought him a plane

ticket-"

"To Japan?"

"-Now he just needs somewhere to stay. Thought you'd be the perfect candidate."

"Bryan, we're training... I can't babysit him. Besides, he needs professional help-"

"No Kai. He needs you."

Painful silence. Bryan held his breath.

"...When is he due to arrive?"

Bryan exhaled.

There.

He'd done it.

It would be a month before he could see the redhead again. It would be a month without his soft warmth, his lovingly home-cooked and often burnt dinners, a month without tears, and month without his sailing laughter...

A whole month.

And the loneliness that settled in Bryan's heart was indescribable.

Hiwatari, you better take good care of him.

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Tala's POV

I made Bryan promise to write to me. Not e-mails. But hand written letters.

Things always look more meaningful when they're hand written, you know? I'll miss them. Bryan, and Ian...

And god, do I miss Spencer...

But Spencer I can never see again.

Spring in Japan is lovely... Its a real spring here. In Russia, back home, I know that it is still cold, and people are still wearing coats. The snow is being cleared, and people are assessing the winter-damaged earth... But here, its just spring. There are cherry-blossoms, and those pretty, petti-coat like flowers hand like fragrant sugary tufts from every tree.

Russia is still recovering, and Japan is in bloom.

I pull the withering cigg from my lips, and watched the smoke-rings bloom from my lips.

Supposedly, I quit a long time ago. But what Bryan doesn't know wont hurt him.

"Excuse me sir, but there's no smoking in the airport."

I look up, my eyes focusing on the stewardess who was speaking to me, and I shift under her reprimanding touch. I glare at the polished hand on my shoulder, and she gestures towards the overhanging sign. So there's no way to claim that I

didn't know...

My other option? To come off as a total bitch.

"I can read, thank you."

"Well then, could you please-"

"The airport's under construction... No?"

"Um , yes sir, but that's besides the point."

Do you know who the new hall will be named after? Do you know who's funding you're expansion?"

"A man by the name of Hiwatari..."Now she looks completely puzzled, and I straighten

myself.

I love winning.

"That's right. I watch the smoke issue from the end of my cigarette, and can't help but think how elegant it looked. The stewardess looked disgusted.

"Do you know who I'm visiting?"

"... Mr. Hiwatari?"

She looks like she's deflating in front of me.

" Right again. Goodness, you are bright one." I'm leering now. What can I say? I simply can't help myself...

"So, may I suggest that you leave me to my cigarette. I'll be out of your hair soon enough anyway."

Though Kai was supposed to pick me up from this dreadfully empty airport an hour ago..."

I hope he hasn't forgotten me.

Though this wouldn't be the first time.

I'm so eager for him that I can hardly bear it...

I'd forgotten how much I need him.

The woman is about to say something biting, I can tell because her pretty, make-up'ed face has a hard-edge to it... An ugliness that meanness always brings.

But a deep, familiar voice, and the important sound of shoes clicking against tiling cuts her off.

And its him.

I can scarcely believe my eyes.

He looks so strong, and it makes me want to cry. I stand up abruptly, shouldering my light pack, but when he says my name I still feel small.

"Tala, sorry I'm late... I thought you quit smoking..."

"I thought you knew me better."

How I haven't lost the ability to speak is beyond me...

And I don't mean to be so snappish, really I don't. Its just because I'm nervous. And he's statuesque, and he's perfect.

People really don't change, do they?

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Kai's POV

He doesn't look like someone who tried to kill himself, but his bandaged wrist insists that he did...

He looks so smooth... His ankles crossed, his knee-high slick leather boots smoothing over slender legs and skin-tight white jeans... His long torso clothed in a grey double breasted jacket...

He looks good.

And... Is his hair shorter?

Yes... It is. Soft red locks had been clipped into a short, pixie-cut. Rebellious vermilion drifts about his soft, pretty face, bangs brushing against his brow.

It suits him.

The pale bodice of a cigarette is held between his pink lips, and his clear, otherworldly-blue eyes meet me in a stare that gives him away.

Yea... I thought I knew him better too.

The stewardess excuses herself, looking embarrassed. I pay her no mind though.

...Because now Tala's hugging me, and my heart is aching. My god, I've been such an asshole.

My arms wrap around him, and re-familiarize themselves with the slenderness of his toro... I can feel soft fabric against my fingers, and I hug him to me like a rag

doll. He smells like cigarettes and winter... And, if it makes any

sense at all, he smells like cold.

I can feel him gasp my name over and over again, like a mantra, like I've saved his life. And I feel the hot tears soak my shirt.

Bryan, what were you thinking?

How can I possibly fix this?

"Tell me,

Do you see me as some kind of a shadow,

In the yawn of the evening?

Don't leave me to those,

Who would believe me,

When I sell them,

Kiss and tell them.

History is written by the winners,

Yea this history is written by the winners,

And I want my say."

**TBC. **

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Yay! Another chapter! The snippette of lyrics at the end is from the song "Natalie" by Bell x1.

Sooooz, tell me what you think, and thanks for reading :3


	3. Beautiful Friend

Hey guys! I'm back with another chapter.

Thank you to all those who reviewed the last one, I can't tell you how much I appreciated it :3 I know I'm an awful tease, and you'll have to forgive me for it.

I'm doing my best to keep the story moving I promise, I'm not being a meanie on purpose... Weeelll, okay, I take that last part back xD

**Disclaimer: **I don't own it.

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**CH. Three**

**Kai's POV **

Driving now, no more than ten minutes from Tyson's, the scenario in the airport seems very far away. Tala is quiet now, and his large blue eyes are dry. He's very quiet though, and I can't help but think he's a bit embarrassed- for lack of a better word.

He's sitting very still, bright white teeth working nervously upon the tender skin of his bottom lip. I can't help but smile... He has no idea how easy it is to read him.

And despite his injured pride, and his vulnerable state, his back is held rigidly straight, and he looks like the survivor he is. Beautiful and pitiful and heartbreakingly strong.

Tala's long, anxious fingers are cozying against the fabric of his jacket pocket, and I can tell he's dying for a cigarette.

"Go ahead." I find myself saying "I don't mind."

He nods, and I find myself transfixed by the way his soft hair, like liquid flame, spills about his creamy white skin. I guess I had forgotten... How beautiful he was.

And my god, how I want to hold.

I can't quite explain it, but more to comfort myself than to comfort him, I need to feel his lithe, warm weight in my arms... The smell of him - fresh snow, cigarettes, and the occasional delicacy of jasmine--- I have an overwhelming urge to be submerged in it.

Candy-floss lips wrap gratefully around the pale bodice of the cigarette, and I find myself transfixed as smoke blooms from the tip. He knows I've been staring, but now, his otherworldly-blue eyes meet mine, his mouth pressed into a smile.

"Y'know, I 'd feel a lot better if you'd keep your eyes on the road." his tone is lofty, but there's an unsteadiness to it- and I can see now, that he is not at all well.

My Tala is unwell.

And I'm angry just thinking about it.

I'm not sure what happened to him, those seven years I was away- Bryan refused to tell me. Said that it was up to Tala.

If he wanted me to know, he would have told me, right?

So why hasn't he?

I want to shake the information out of him. I want to fix him and have him happy by my side...

"Sorry. Its just been a while..." I respond, eyes focussing dutifully back upon the stretch of road ahead of me. There is a strange thoughtlessness in which we speak, we ask questions to pass the time, and the answers are never the ones we want to hear.

"So, Bryan and Ian are alright?"

"They're fine... Considering what happened."

"Oh. Right." I'm such and idiot sometimes, I can barely stand it. Tala only smiles though.

An then, silence before-

"So, you like the hair cut?"

"Very much, it suites you. What made you decide to cut it?"

There is a faltering pause, and an odd looks crosses Tala's face...

"I... I don't know..."

**Tala's POV**

_xxFlashback xx_

A strong hand smoothed the vibrant hair, and light breathing hitched at the tenderness... Eight year old Tala stood stalk-still, quite rigid beneath the trailing fingers.

"B-Boris...S-sir?"

"Shhh." and though the tone was calm, he knew it was a command. "Has anyone ever touched Tala... Touched you like this...?" the voice was husky, airy- heated, and the hands lowered to the soft curvature of his buttocks. The fingers snuck beneath the the waist band of his ragged trousers, and a groan echoing in the broad chest as he found the silky flesh.

The little boy shook his head softly, eyes very wide "N-no sir... N-never."

"Good."

It was then that Boris trapped him against his solid body, and Tala could feel the man's hardness rubbing against him. He was aware if of his clothes being stripped from him, of his sudden nakedness...

"Sir... What..."

"Shh."

"But what d-does this m-mean? What are you... What are you d-doing?" the hand in his hair again, forcing him lower, the man's other hand forcing Tala's soft palm upon the weighted erection- Boris merely grunted.

"Quiet now. Just stay quiet." came the growl

Bryan, the oldest of the bunch, had once told them (with all the wisdom of his ten year-old knowledge) that people were only allowed to see each other naked if they loved each other.

Did this mean that Boris loved him?

Oh, to be loved- how badly he wanted to be loved...

His own parents had cast him aside, and Kai, his dearest friend, had left him...

But if he could make someone love him, even if it was Boris...

Tala would kill, if only to feel wanted.

So, slowly, tentatively, he lowered his lips upon the engorged member, stiffening as the strong smell washed over him...

Boris breathed heavily above, smirking at the control he felt- smirking because he had this beautiful little creature all to himself...

"There.. good boy." the hand fisted in the red hair, hard and insistent, and a tiny, naive tongue lapped at the sensitive skin.

Boris had had enough. It was too much- and with one cruel movement, he forced his entire length down the boy's throat, thrusting hard. Tala struggled, panicking, and his delicate hands flailed about, pushing against the muscular thighs, the taught abs...

Boris groaned loudly, this was intoxicating- and it felt so wrong... He loved that Tala was helpless, he loved that he was causing such pain...

With a final thrust, the man his his climax, And Tala gagged around his mouthful of salty cum, the hand gripping his hair the only thing keeping him from collapsing upon the rug in Boris' office...

"Swallow." was the command.

And Tala, with some difficulty, did, eyes watering with pain and embarrassment, a droplet of creamy liquid dribbling from the corner of his kiss- sore lips, his eyes scared and sad and beautiful as they looked up at the director.

_He really was too pretty for his own good. _

All at once, Boris' mouth was on his, the tongue trailing, lapping, memorizing the details of the sweet young mouth, nibbling at the lips, suckling upon the confused tongue...

And then he pulled away, zipped up his pants, and the hand unclenched the silky, vermillion hair, patting it smooth before he left, like nothing had happened.

And the young Tala curled up into himself, his body wracked with tears. He hurt all over, but mostly, his heart hurt... _Throbbed_.

There was no love here.

_xxFlashbackxx_

"Tala... Hey, Tal..."

Kai flutters into focus, and I swallow hard, a painful thump in my chest resounding throughout my body.

The car has come to a stop outside of the dojo, and Kai looks worried. I haven't seen him look that worried in a while.

I would slap him if my hands weren't shaking.

How did he get so close? He's practically leaning over me, I can feel his heat and his breath buffets against my lips as he speaks.

"Are you okay? I... lost you for awhile."

No Kai. You lost me seven years ago.

I hold my tongue though, and watch as he tries a reassuring smile.

Though how can I be reassured when I can feel his intense gaze locked upon my lips, which are held loosely as I'm about to speak.

I would've lied and told him I was fine...

I would've if his lips weren't suddenly on mine, if his tongue wasn't tracing the contours of my mouth... I would have said something if I wasn't moaning, and whimpering... Begging for his heat, his arms around me, and at the same time, wanting to push him away...

I shiver as I feel the warm fingers in my hair, smoothing it, griping it...

He withdraws now, and I'm left a breathless mess, pressed against the car door. I can barely move, though its not as if this is anything new for me.

But my god, how I want Kai to need me.

He looks away, eyes shadowed.

He feels guilty, though he licks his lips, savoring my taste. I can only watch.

"We should go in... The team is expecting us..."

"Yeah..."

And we clamber from the car. Like nothing happened.

**TBC.**

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_-cackles- _Haha, I'm evil, I know x

Please read and review!


	4. A few words from the authoress

**Note from the author:**

Hey guys! I just wanted to thank you all for the wonderful reviews. Don't worry, the story will continue- I'm so sorry I left you guys hanging like that. For the past month, I've been sick with mono. Let me tell you, its hell. Seriously. I've hardly been able to work, let alone write. I'm feeling much better though and I'm going to try my best to push out another chapter by tomorrow. Stay tuned! I also just wanted some feed back about what you'd like to see happen in terms of pairings...

Anyway, I really appreciate you guys reading my work, I won't let you down!

Your loyal authoress-

Sliding.


	5. Never knew him after all

Holy fuck. I'm back.

Haha, I'm just as surprised as you are xD

Thanks you SO much to everyone who reviewed, you seriously got me through having mono xD And now, you're helping me get through finals. Its hellish, let me tell you, lol.

So I'm back, sort of at least...

This chapter, well, okay, I guess its really only half a chapter, but I whipped this up while I was sick... The fever didn't do much to help explain Kai's emotions, but I kind of like the feel of it :)

Hope you do tooooooo...

So, yeah, hehe. I'm out of it-- can you tell? x.x

Haha. Drugged up to my eye balls with Benedryl-- bad allergies.

**Disclaimer; Don't own a thing. I promise. **

Anyway. Here it is, sorry for the wait and I love you all :3

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**CH. Four**

**Kai's POV**

Shit- what the fuck is wrong with me! I just tongued my best friend- no, even worse, I just _took advantage_ of my best friend _who just tried to kill himself. _

If Bryan finds out, he'll kill me- if I'm lucky.

Standing here, waiting for stupid Tyson to answer to door... I wish he'd hurry up. The longer I'm alone with Tala, the more I want to hold him, to redden that smooth skin with my teeth- my lips. I want to leave his hair mussed, that sweet mouth open, those blue eyes glassy. I want to hear him gasp my name.

The more I think, the more I scare myself- because now I realize what made the kiss so addicting was how vulnerable Tala felt in my arms. How limp and pliant he was... How warm his flesh was, how delicious- and never once did he struggle. I could have done whatever the hell I wanted to with him, and he wouldn't have protested. And for reasons I can't explain, that feeling of control is so arousing that even now as I watch him, I can barely hold myself back-

Shit. I'm going to hell- I just know it.

I'm staring openly now, but Tala doesn't notice, his white teeth teasing his bottom lip into his mouth, chewing the skin to a rich rouge- deep in thought. He can still taste me- I know because I can still taste him.

What can I say- I'm insatiable.

He looks troubled- but its not as if we haven't "fooled around" before.

During the championships, I had been even more forward than I had been just now. We had gone even further... And with all the pressure, Tala had been a wonderful- mind blowing- distraction. It never amounted to anything though. Its not as if I wanted a relationship, and if he did, he never said anything.

It had just been casual sex. Amazing casual sex. Addictive casual sex.

**Flashback**

**Normal POV:**

Tala lay, stretched out upon the small, lower bunk in the cramped room his team shared. A book was opened over his lean stomach, the redhead taking a moment to rest his eyes- and study the slate haired male from across the room.

Kai looked to be brooding as usual, lost in his thoughts... All the same, it warmed Tala to know that he was there. He had always associated Kai with being protected. All those years before he had left, Boris had never laid a hand on him... Phoenix had always been watchful, always ready to defend him, to hold him...

Tala noted the lean musculature of the other male's arms, the strong lines of his jaw, those pensive eyebrows... Thin lips that used to twitch upwards whenever Tala was near.

Well, they used to anyway...

Red eyes lifted their gaze.

Tala had stared for too long.

The cerulean pair flickered to a spot on the wall, pretending, with a light blush upon his cheeks, that he had just been staring into space.

"What do you want Tala?"

The redhead winced at the gruff tone... Surely, he hadn't forgotten...?

"Nothing... I just..."

"Just what?" Kai said snappily, and Tala 's cheeks reddened to match the color of his hair.

"I was only wondering... Why you never came back... Before now anyway... I mean... I just missed you. I missed you a lot Kai."

Kai stared at him for a moment, and Tala could see the shame-induced rage bubble in his eyes. But he pushed on. Because suddenly he felt as if he was on the brink of tears, of yelling in pure anger...

_You left me! _He wanted to say._ You left me to be Boris's whore! Do you know where his hands, his lips, have been? He owns me- because you left. _

"I just want to understand Kai... I... I missed you." Tala's voice was quaking.

Why couldn't he just deliver the blow? Was it his pride? But that couldn't be it... What was left of his pride, those pitiful scraps of his dignity, could not brew this overwhelming feeling of hurt... Of betrayal, longing...

No. It wasn't possible.

He realized he didn't want Kai to know, because he didn't want Kai to blame himself, even if it was his fault.

_Kai shouldn't have to know the truth. Kai shouldn't have to feel as though he owes me. Kai shouldn't have to regret. _--was Tala's reasoning.

He could bear the truth silently, he could let it tear him apart. Because Tala was only disposable in the end. And in his bright blue eyes, Kai was something shining.

Kai was something worth lying for.

It was hard for him to understand, even then, how desperately in love he was...

"Tala! Just shut-up! Okay?! Just shut. Up."

Kai had taken him by the shoulders, and the stronger boy shook him like a ragg-doll.

The slate haired youth was frustrated, angry at himself, angry at Tala too... For being there.. For being beautiful... Angry at Tala for his lingering glances that made Kai's heart pound with unfathomable remorse-- and he didn't know why. Memory, it would have seemed, had abandoned him.

Tala was openly quivering, tears rolled from his eyes, and ..

Those hands, their bruising grip...

_"I told you to shut up, bitch!"_

_Pain. _

_Boris. _

"Stop crying.. oh fuck Tal... Just- I'm sorry!"

"I-its not good enough Kai... Sorry isn't g-good enough..." Tala battered at Kai's chest limply, his palms gingerly pressing hard muscle.

The love novel he had been reading was flung from his stomach- replaced by warmth- all incompasing warmth. Kai had him prostrate against the rickity mattress, Tala was too shocked to even react.

Kai perhaps, was just as surprised by his own actions as Tala was...

But he wasn't about to stop. Tala's scent filled his senses-- jasmine, winter, tenderness... he couldn't get enough.

This feeling... This feeling _right now_...This smoothness, this need to drink in, and possess-- this was what it meant to be addicted, Kai realized.

And he could have laughed-- the redhead had ensnared him for so long, and he had only just realized it.

Tala murmured a protest: "K-kai? What... What are you...?"

"Shh... I think we both need this..." was the heated whisper, that curdled his stomach, and inflamed his cheeks.

It was no use.

He allowed himself to melt in Kai's arms, hands loosley laced in his slate hair.

Teeth at his neck, nibbling behind his ear. Fingers that tugged free his shirt, his pants, that sought every inch of him, that found his softest, most private places.

The bluenette- like Boris- would not be denied.

And Tala knew that it was only his place to accept.

**End Flashback**

**Back to Kai's POV:**

These "sessions" would usually begin with an argument. He'd ask a tender question, I snarl something in return... He' d look hurt and angry, I'd revel in it, and push him past his limits.

Sometimes Tala would cry, sometimes we'd actually lower ourselves to physical blows-- but always, it would end with kissing, groping... Satisfaction...

And when we were done, it would be as if nothing had happened. Tala would be his lively self in front of the team, and but for a few lingering glances, it would be as if I had never taken him in my arms and...

Well. You know...

You don't have to tell me, I know its not healthy. I know that I'd be better off in the long term seeing a shrink or something... but with skin against skin, lips pressed to each other-- I could just forget about all my worries when I was alone with Tala...

And I had forgotten how much I needed him until now.

He looks over, cerulean eyes cloudy for a second, unreadable... He seems to have expected me to look away now that I'd been caught staring, but he should know me better. I flash him a wolfish little smirk, allowing my eyes to wander. He blushes, a deep confectionary hue, blue eyes fluttering back to the floor.

What can I say? There's no use in defending myself.

I love being in control. Especially when it involves a tasty little redhead...

But.. Now this isn't the Tala I knew... Who was vivacious, emotional, loving,raving, beautiful, helpless and fighting for his independence...

This is a shadow.

I don't know this person.

Maybe I never did.

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Rate and review please!

Thanks guys.

Much love,

sliding etc.


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